Journals : words from my mind

I was skimming through my old journals. Well, reading page by page to remind myself of the life I had once. Of the things I’ve done or gone through. Good thing about journal is that it makes you wonder of what it was like and how you actually felt while you were putting your mind in those pages. While some incidents remind you of a time you never wanted to end, and some lines that make you regret to even have written down. I just thought it will be interesting to share parts of my mind from the pages of my journal; share what I didn’t want anyone to read once upon a time.

“I should be serious but I can’t bring myself to it. I am so much distracted that even if I try, I can’t. I wish miracle happened.”
“It’s one thing to suffer completely being un-fault and wholly other thing to be unloved.”
“I don’t know what’s there it is for me. But whatever, it’s not going to be easy. And I’m not a very ambitious girl…I don’t know if I can stick longer. I just can feel sometimes, you know, that the grip is loosening. I’m scared but I do not do anything. What can I do? I can’t change what I’m going through. I can’t change the people, the time, the environment. All I can do is suffer, get tortured and let a few drop of tears escape.”
“I don’t know why the Almighty created me when He kept all the things to Himself- my brain, my intelligence, my luck, my happiness and just sent my body to this world.”
“I think if the doctors x-rayed my head, they’ll see my inside is empty.”
“Considering the days already passed in the last few weeks- I am completely non-candidate for anything with hugely and greatly importance issues to handle. I mean I can be a good consultant when I grow up- I am at least sure of that. Only fact is that those who are crazy or on the way to be one can come to such an egoistic fool like me.”
“Oh and I’m kind of falling again for Orlando Bloom. He’s so cute…”
“There was that day when somebody asked me if I really knew who I was. ‘Do you know you?’ – such a simple question with major complexity and approximately huge brain-jamming answer.”
“I was watching this movie and there a man says that every story-teller is a liar…”
“Dear diary, how do I keep dreaming that I’m going to be someone from my dreams? I’m useless, hopeless, pathetic, sympathetically a junk.”
“You know what? There’s a man who likes to peep into my room through his bathroom window…”
“I lie, I pretend, I’m rude, I argue, I’m useless…all that I am, and I said it now. Yet I feel like it was for nothing. I don’t feel anything. Free, relieved- nothing. Guess, I wasn’t honest with everything I’ve written in here…but that’s me, right? Not honest.”
“I always envy my sisters. They are intelligent, smart and everyone loves them. They are even beautiful and me- nothing is fine with me. People don’t like me in the first glance. They do not even notice me…they have this personality I don’t, the smartness I can’t have; the beauty I never am…”
“…and my already doomed fate is planning on dooming all over again…”
“Dear diary, I’m terrific. Because someone just told me indirectly that I’m a bitch. That characterless, cheap, mean, selfish, boneless, coward…”
“Sometimes, we have nothing else to do except to help the person we care about- even if it endangers our life. I’m willing to do everything, anything as far as I am able to…”
“I hate myself. I hate what I am. I hate how I am. I hate how I look. I hate my hair. I hate my nose. I hate everything about me. I just completely hate myself.
But then every story-teller is a liar, aren’t they?”
“This is far off limit. There is never going to be peace. At least my life isn’t a chaos or mayhem like Elena’s. But still…”
“…it feels so right and strange to remember all the way we had come, every incident, every moment. They all are treasures, locked securely in my chest…”
“Sometimes it’s not bad to ignore people. Especially who doesn’t care about you. It’s all about being who you really are, not someone you pretend to be. So that’s me and I don’t hide.”
“I don’t know what happens to me sometimes, but I’m always like this- mischievous, clever and naughty. But in an innocent way, of course. I like to charm people, like when they like me…”
“…I don’t talk to mom and to make this World War Minisize 3 Combo really happen, I gotta go to her and start screaming with the top of my lungs. I really hate to do it.”
“My life’s worthless. Every single day of my life sucks…Yet, I’m there- going to bed every night and waking up the next morning. For another meaningless, unwanted, miserable day.”
“Oh diary, life never gives me chances. Then why should I give life a chance?”
“Why is that God has given everything to those who already has everything and nothing to them who really deserves it.”
“I saw him today…”
“Why is real life so complex? I’m so miserable, so, so very miserable that sometimes I think why was it that I was even born? If I had to be so unwanted, so unloved, so uncared for then why do have to God bring me here on earth? Everyone has a specialty in them, why not me? Why am I so similar and not different? Envy them who are different among people, different as in looks, talents, brains. Why am I so common? And so out of luck?”
“Dear diary, days are like unwanted hotdogs…”
“I’m all but doomed. I can’t wait to die.”
“…Do you think I’d ever be the person I think of becoming?”
“I was a kid and didn’t see Chris that way but who knew pizza could be so spicy?!”
“Dear Diary, few hours ago I was this- I’m gonna kill myself on the day I was born. But now the time is passing, the more expectations are increasing. Uncharacteristically, I’m waiting for midnight. I’m planning further, future…”
“But I’m actually realizing reality is tough. Different. Impossible. It’s tormenting yourself when you regret of or not doing something…more tormenting when you’re remembering your happy moments…and again wish if time were stuck right there…could have been happy forever…”
“I really am tired. Tired of expecting and not getting it.”
“But one thing will never change. I will always be the one who will get neglected, unloved. So welcome another year of my life of this pathetic, cruel world. Happy birthday to me.”
“For the sake of my lousy luck and the freaky fate, please help me out! Life sucks…”
“Dear Diary, do you think I’m drunk? Because I sound like I’ve been drugged. Or is it natural in my age to talk like this? You know, all fed up, deserted, lonely, unloved?”
“At last, at last after nearly two months I saw him. Again.”
“Dear Diary, why did it feel like August went like a year and September passed in a day?”
“…You bitch on me? I’ll bitchslap you…”
“All I want to write is some MF’s think that they are all hot and happening but they are so mistaken…”
“You know I saw him today. But today he was in a silver car. I wonder how many cars he’s got. Because at first it was a golden car…then…it was a blue car. Now today it’s a silver car! I don’t know man. Am I supposed to look into every car that will pass me?”
“Our pranks, our happy moments, sad moments, bitter moments…everything that I am today- it all happened in this campus. The campus is our identity, our hangout place, our second home. And now we are to leave.”
“Dear Diary, I met a boy today and he was staring at me like I was something to eat…”
“…why make yourself the reason for others gossip?”
“Everywhere I go, everywhere I am, someone has to be an asshole to me…”
“…his short hair, that nose, those perfect lips, that awesome jaw, those shoulders, his deadly figure, the hot curve of his back…the never-ending legs and the long-pale-never-ending-awesome-fingers…”
“Right now I’m sitting in Chemistry class. He’s talking about D Glucose, the Chem teacher.”
“The winner is Barak Obama. What change is it going to bring? Is America going to change?”
“I saw Robert today. Daah! Not in person obviously- I wish I were that lucky enough. There was a commercial and then I saw him…”
“Dear Diary, I want to get rid of this tension. I want to have fun. I want to laugh. I want to have some real craziness…”
“My performance wasn’t good and I have a feeling that people did not enjoy it…I don’t know. Who the hell cares? I’m failing in physics!”
“…one man in India suicide just to do something out of ordinary on a day like this…”
“Its winter and it’s really cold outside… It’s been such a long time I haven’t seen him…”
“I’m here. Standing. Surviving. Suffering. Suppressing. Solidifying. It’s like gamble.”
“I’ve never seen snowing, no snow-flakes, never made a snowman with snow. I wonder how it’s like to be in snow. Sometimes.”
“Dear Diary, I know I dream big. Bigger. But then if I don’t dream bigger, how would I get the smallest things?”
“I want to hit the jackpot. I’m gambling my honor.”
All I have learned is that life never keeps promises. Going through these pages of my journal, I have once again lived the life I once lived and I know that all that I have faced, all that I have had, all that I could have had but didn’t; are a mere part of what life actually is. I took a selfish pleasure knowing that however my life had been, I used a great many times such that makes me proud. There may be times a few I made mistakes, a few times when I thought of myself useless or even accused people for my difficulties. But I always knew that wasn’t the end of it. That there was more. And every time when I sit to write about my day in my journals and the things that I’ve learned, I know there’s more of life to write about.

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