So I was trying a new hair color to bring a change to myself.
I don’t know if the color suited me but I did it anyway. I thought it would bring some changes in me. You know like those kinds of movies, where you do a makeover from head to toe after a break up.
No, I didn’t have a break up. I was just tired of dealing with stuffs. So after I colored my hair, my mum said it wasn’t much of a attractive color.
Within a month, the color faded. And now, it’s something between brown and red. It looks cool now.
So did the change in my haircolor bring any changes in me? Nope. I don’t understand how a makeover can change people at all. All I know is I am sadder now, more distressed and more depressed.
Although I put new color on my hair, I couldn’t actually bring a new color in my life. That’s how tge reality is. Without even trying to bring a change, you cannot expect it to change over the night. I did try to change, maybe the effort wasn’t worth it.
My problem is, I don’t try hard enough. I quit easily. And then regret all my life for not continuing. I understand tge hardships, I also understand hardwork. What I don’t understand is even after giving my all, I remain at the end of the road, as the last person. Always losing.
This is why I am depressed. I haven’t slept multiple nights. I haven’t been able to attend classes. I have even laid in the bed all day. I was at the verge of giving up.
I don’t know if I will give up at last. I don’t know if I’ll step forward either. I’m just so tired of dealing with everything that I want to stop. I want to stop and look at the sun and bathe in it’s sunlight. I want to stand at the corner of the mountain and scream with all my heart. I just want to sit in a corner and cry my heart out. I also want to throw everything away, run on the beach with naked feet and consume myself in the sea water. I want to touch the clouds at the cliff of a mountain or just stand watching the sunset.
I also want to fight with all my might. I just want a strong hand to pull me through it all. A hand to wipe my tears and tell me that I’m strong. A hand that can quench all the darkness with a simple smile. I’m tired. But I want to fly too.
They say ghosts aren’t real.
It’s not them wandering around on the surface of earth.
Ghosts are monsters living within us.
Ghosts are preditors feeding on innocense.
Ghosts are us, facading to be something we are not.
The ghosts are the past we left behind, as we hold on to them, they crumble up to pull us back into the darkness.
They clutch us in the strength of their claws.
While we live, we forget what is real and what is unreal. We give in to our inner ghosts, inner darkness and then hope for someone to rescue us.
Can we be saved from this unreal image that clutch us to our own nightmares?
It was the day of the first day of new year. From where I am, we celebrate our own new year in our own culture and I had fun because it was a refreshing day in a long, tiresome month.
This is our way of celebrating the first day of Summer. Fun, isn’t it?
I was being pursued on how to put an impact on my life. I am in a point of life where having an aim is really important but I am still flipping around like a wingless bird trying to fly. It’s not that I don’t have an aim, it’s just that I am still looking. There’s so many things to do in life and I am not one of those who settles down for less. I did dream of being something I thought I could be. But that dream now, is long lost.
I don’t dream anymore. Because frankly, I have seen too many things for my age. No matter how much I think I am important, I am not wanted. Do you know how it feels when you realize that you live in a world where you are not wanted?
You listen to all those sad songs on your playlist all day long. You have this face where everyone keeps asking if you are okay but that’s just show and truthfully no one cares. You are angry but you cannot cry because there are too many people in front of you. You want to throw everything away, you want to torch down something but your moral stops you. You even read a few pages of books you’ve kept down for a while and then just throw it away because you can’t get over your hurtful thoughts. At some point, even the sad songs that you were listening on high volumn cannot keep you in control. You let go of those few drops of tears that had been forming, but it still cuts deep.
You’d say this is even more important to keep a dream. I’m not idealistic. I’m plain realistic and in this world no one gives a damn about what you want. If you have a fight with your family and decide to skip eating, they don’t give a damn. If you have a fight with them and decide to throw a tantrum, they’ll just blame you for everything. No one accepts their own fault. They just have to blame someone else.Even if it’s your parents, even if it’s your siblings.
I am a simple girl and I have few things that I expect from people. Not random people, I expect things from my family because I have a right. When in front of your own eyes, your sisters are prioritized and when you tell someone that they think that you are being jugdy. That you are wrong and no parents ever discriminate between their children. I’m not being jugdy and whatever I am saying is true. I have no value whatsoever in my family and I easily expect things from people in the outside world for the things I don’t get at home. But you know how the outside world is, right?
You don’t. Everyone says something about people having two faces and all and how they know all about it. That’s not quite true. They have only one face. It’s their inside that is ugly. All people are ugly. They use people with their sweet talks, when they are not useful anymore, they throw them away like rotten lipstick. Even I treat my lipsticks better, no matter how expensive and branded lipsticks they use, ugly would always be ugly. So this is how the real world is- ugly.
You thought I was writing about how motivational Monday can be? Well, I’m sorry I got you wrong. People are ugly, after all. They never quite pass your expectations. People sell bull and tell the customers how good the material is. When the curtain falls, we all see how damaged the product really is. Thing is, we all are damaged. We all have lost our morals somewhere at some point. We all are ugly, we all are petty little pitiful things.
No matter how good a Korean drama is, it’s still just a drama created and written by people. That’s how screwed a human brain is. I said earlier, I have stopped dreaming. I might have seen all the forms of ugliness in people and now, whoever talks nicely to me- I feel it’s all just a facade. I can’t trust anymore, I can’t breathe normally anymore. Yet, as I see more, I still become a little speechless. But it doesn’t surprise me anymore. The bitchiest of bitches smile at me thinking I haven’t seen their bitchy side, and I smile at them innocently thinking they don’t know that I know about them. This is how people lives in this world. Pretending at every stage, faking every moment and shrewdly passing lies.
So it’s pointless pursuing a dream when I know there are people hovering around me trying to make me fall. Instead, I am looking for a goal. So that when I reach my destination, all these people trying to bring me down, watches me with burning chest and rueful eyes. I want people to hate me so that I can take pleasure knowing I have surpassed them. I know I have to work hard for that. I know I have to be strong. I have to bring myself to a point where when I look at myself in the mirror, I see those people who were against me burning with jealousy. I want to see those people sigh that they couldn’t bring me down. And I want to take pride in that. I don’t know what’s there in the future for me. I don’t have faith in the world anymore but I am willing to try. I am a girl, who may cry when she cannot hold on any longer. But I am the same girl who stands alone in her way of journey. And I have to find my own way to my goal.
I refuse to be ugly in this world of ugliness. There’s a reason for those people who hate me. I want them to hate me more when I climb higher. Their hatred is my strength and I’m going to feed from it.
No matter how much my family discrimates me, people try to bring me down, I know I am above them all. I create my future. I will become an identity that would be respected and people would be ashamed for making it hard for me. I will ensure that.
My mother was a great book lover. She had tons of books in her shelf and I’ve seen her reading them in a late afternoon or on a lazy weekend. Maybe that was the reason I wanted to have my own books. It wasn’t until the 4th grade that I was lucky enough to own a book. My father had bought me one when I got chicken pox. It had adaptations from great stories like Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea, Uncle Tom’s Cabin, Three Musketeers, Gulliver’s Travels, and such. Since then, the journey of my love for English literature began.
In English literature, if you are looking for a good book to read, you will firstly be introduced to books by some of the renowned contemporary writers. Getting introduced to English literature meant knowing about the Victorian or Georgian age- contextually meaning the period of Queen Victoria’s reign from the early 19th to 20th century.
Victorian literature was not the only shining period in the history of English Literature. However, it was the novel that was dominant in this period to the English literary public which makes it the most important in the field of literature. The Romantic Literature, which preceded the Victorian Literature also gave us some great works including poetry and novels, but the dominating genre of this era was poetry.
As a lover of contemporary novels, my first introduction to English Literature had been when I was at the age of 12. I have always had fascination to classical novels and a love towards the then rising Europe. My first book was Silas Marner that belonged to my elder sister. I remember it took 6 days to reach the ending but I hadn’t been able to finish it. She had sold the book. Yeah.
I don’t know why I had picked this particular book while there were many other books in front of me like Arms and the Man, A Tale of Two Cites, Sons and Lovers, Measure for Measure or even W. B. Yeats. But it was the cover of the book that had me like ‘okay, this is the book I want to read.’ I think as a child, the book rendered to me as an easy read and the story wasn’t very impressive. But it was a good one. The main character wasn’t talking to me, he was all by himself- quiet and stoic. It’s like you are peeping through a window and watching everything happening. I liked how Elliot narrated it and her powerful voice came through in her writing.
Silas Marner had left quite an impression on me. Since then my hunger for contemporary books had grown. This book covered a pretty good idea about the 19th Century Europe and George Elliot combined symbolism with a historically precise setting in order to create a tale of love and hope. The reason I liked Silas Marner was because the novel explored the issues of family, and impacts of industrialization on English society of the sophisticated England.
Before that, my thought on England was that it was a heaven on Earth, a Utopia in the middle of civilization. These novels attracted me to know more and as I continued to read, my idea of Europe changed. It gave a much broader idea not only about the functions of various social ingredients and customs and traditions but also about the contrast between the life of sophistication and the common. And in order to apprehend that England, we have to understand how England emerged through the Romantic period. England was also going through the process of great changes and improvements especially in the Romantic era. It was the era when there were wars – French Revolution, Napoleonic wars and the First World War. These wars seemed to influence the Romantic era along with the political and social turmoil that came with it. The start of the Romantic Movement that is marked in Wordsworth and Coleridge’s poems from Lyrical Ballads spread along the lands of Europe. It greatly influenced the literary public and was noticeable in some of the contemporary writer’s writings.
While most Romantics were broadly progressive in their views and some seemed to keep conservative views- which was overly disrupted by Western traditions of rationality, the idea of moral absolute and agreed values for over a century. It slowly led to nationalism that we can see in Goethe’s work to even totalitarianism and fascism. However, the end of Romantic era is marked by a new style of Realism that greatly affected the literature. This movement was led by France, with Balzac and Flaubert in literature. Stendhal was an important precursor of Realism. In music, after about 1850 such works are referred to as “Late Romantic” or as Neoromantic” and “Postromantic”. Although in English literature, the convenient term “Victorian” evades having to characterize the period further.
But when I started to read Silas Marner, I didn’t know all these. In this Victorian classic I could see the 19th century England before my eyes while reading it. It was the England that recovered from the Romantic era and stepped into the Victorian era. Elliot painted a wonderfully vivid picture of English life in the village of Raveloe portraying varied aspects of human nature- cowardice, greed, despair, moral inflexibility, love, devotion and hope. All I could see in front of my eyes was that it’s a person who is interacting with life, with himself and other characters. He is honest and believes in religion until he is betrayed by his own friend and is left by the church. He gets everything back in the face of a little girl and her unconditional love. In the final page, he appears as a man with new faith, inner strength and maturity.
Elliot greatly narrated a place that portrayed the functions and beliefs of the people from the 19th century. You can easily start to believe that Raveloe is a real living place filled with flaws, defeats and triumphs of real human life.
- See more at: http://www.ourtimebd.com/beta/2016/04/11/a-romance-with-victorian-classics-silas-marner