Futile Salvage

Futile Salvage

She watched as the dark of night faltered. Slowly as the darkness withdrew, orange and red hue covered the sky, a strong breeze hit her face like a slap.

She watched as dawn broke, all her emotions undone, a trickle of water coursing down her shallow cheeks. A storm was gathering outside, so was the turmoil inside her heart. She knew of nothing more, she had lost all hope, even the rise of a new morning could not aspire her to start afresh.

She was broken. She thought hiding inside her dark room would help her escape all her emotions. But she was in the wrong. It was the darkness that had completely consumed her, how she hoped to run from that darkness as far as possible. But how could she run away from something she was utterly devoured in?

The inside of her mind was in a fiery chaos. She had been sleepless for the past month, she didn’t like to talk, to interact, and she didn’t like to eat at all. She grew weaker but she cared less, she watched herself grow thinner but she barely paid attention. She grew to be distant even between a crowd, she let herself be all that and didn’t bat her eyes once.

She cried to herself in the corner of her room, hidden from everyone. In the morning, she hid her puffy eyes behind black kohl and dark circles behind a heavy layer of concealer. She masked her face with the biggest lie- a smile.

Adorned in colorful clothes and high heels, she stomped around carefree, pretending to be what she was not- happy. In her pursuit of façade, she seemed the brightest like a sun, the happiest with a pretty smile, and the most beautiful at her prime. She redeemed her falsehood by crying to herself every night, whispering prayers to whom the prayers never seemed to reach.

So she watched as the dark of night slowly vanished behind the hues of blood. The tears dried off, her breath no longer hitched from her crying and she no longer had a will to cry. She was too weak and her mind was too clouded, just as the sky that now covered in dark, grey clouds- a storm raging too quick.

The wind soared high, the whooshing sound crying in its awake, ringing as if it had something to say. If you listened closely, it was a warning, an omen. Even the clouds called out, whispering their coos in a broken, alarmed tone.

And soon came down dribbles of water drops- one by one in two, three to thousand drips of rain as if it was mourning a loss. The wind dropped down, silenced and lost behind the grieving howl of the rain hitting the ground.

Eventually, all things meet to an end. The mourning had come to a halt, the clouds cleared up in its sadness to let the daybreak see light and the sun peeped through the unknown it yet had to face.

Little did the sun know as it peeked through the window to greet the saddest girl it knew, only to welcome her lifeless body laid in front of it, defying gravity. Staring with utter perplex, it wondered of the complexity of life, of broken soul and a beautiful smile. In time, all comes to an end, all is lost for the sun had always thought its ray of light set everything right.




Monday Motivation

 I was being pursued on how to put an impact on my life.  I am in a point of life where having an aim is really important but I am still flipping around like a wingless bird trying to fly. It’s not that I don’t have an aim, it’s just that I am still looking. There’s so many things to do in life and I am not one of those who settles down for less. I did dream of being something I thought I could be. But that dream now, is long lost.

I don’t dream anymore. Because frankly, I have seen too many things for my age. No matter how much I think I am important, I am not wanted. Do you know how it feels when you realize that you live in a world where you are not wanted?

You listen to all those sad songs on your playlist all day long. You have this face where everyone keeps asking if you are okay but that’s just show and truthfully no one cares. You are angry but you cannot cry because there are too many people in front of you. You want to throw everything away, you want to torch down something but your moral stops you. You even read a few pages of books you’ve kept down for a while and then just throw it away because you can’t get over your hurtful thoughts. At some point, even the sad songs that you were listening on high volumn cannot keep you in control. You let go of those few drops of tears that had been forming, but it still cuts deep.

You’d say this is even more important to keep a dream. I’m not idealistic. I’m plain realistic and in this world no one gives a damn about what you want. If you have a fight with your family and decide to skip eating, they don’t give a damn. If you have a fight with them and decide to throw a tantrum, they’ll just blame you for everything. No one accepts their own fault. They just have to blame someone else.Even if it’s your parents, even if it’s your siblings.

I am a simple girl and I have few things that I expect from people. Not random people, I expect things from my family because I have a right. When in front of your own eyes, your sisters are prioritized and when you tell someone that they think that you are being jugdy. That you are wrong and no parents ever discriminate between their children. I’m not being jugdy and whatever I am saying is true. I have no value whatsoever in my family and I easily expect things from people in the outside world for the things I don’t get at home. But you know how the outside world is, right?

You don’t. Everyone says something about people having two faces and all and how they know all about it. That’s not quite true. They have only one face. It’s their inside that is ugly. All people are ugly. They use people with their sweet talks, when they are not useful anymore, they throw them away like rotten lipstick. Even I treat my lipsticks better, no matter how expensive and branded lipsticks they use, ugly would always be ugly. So this is how the real world is- ugly. 

You thought I was writing about how motivational Monday can be? Well, I’m sorry I got you wrong. People are ugly, after all. They never quite pass your expectations. People sell bull and tell the customers how good the material is. When the curtain falls, we all see how damaged the product really is. Thing is, we all are damaged. We all have lost our morals somewhere at some point. We all are ugly, we all are petty little pitiful things. 

No matter how good a Korean drama is, it’s still just a drama created and written by people. That’s how screwed a human brain is. I said earlier, I have stopped dreaming. I might have seen all the forms of ugliness in people and now, whoever talks nicely to me- I feel it’s all just a facade. I can’t trust anymore, I can’t breathe normally anymore. Yet, as I see more, I still become a little speechless. But it doesn’t surprise me anymore. The bitchiest of bitches smile at me thinking I haven’t seen their bitchy side, and I smile at them innocently thinking they don’t know that I know about them. This is how people lives in this world. Pretending at every stage, faking every moment and shrewdly passing lies. 

So it’s pointless pursuing a dream when I know there are people hovering around me trying to make me fall. Instead, I am looking for a goal. So that when I reach my destination, all these people trying to bring me down, watches me with burning chest and rueful eyes. I want people to hate me so that I can take pleasure knowing I have surpassed them. I know I have to work hard for that. I know I have to be strong. I have to bring myself to a point where when I look at myself in the mirror, I see those people who were against me burning with jealousy. I want to see those people sigh that they couldn’t bring me down. And I want to take pride in that. I don’t know what’s there in the future for me. I don’t have faith in the world anymore but I am willing to try. I am a girl, who may cry when she cannot hold on any longer. But I am the same girl who stands alone in her way of journey. And I have to find my own way to my goal. 

I refuse to be ugly in this world of ugliness. There’s a reason for those people who hate me. I want them to hate me more when I climb higher. Their hatred is my strength and I’m going to feed from it.

No matter how much my family discrimates me, people try to bring me down, I know I am above them all. I create my future. I will become an identity that would be respected and people would be ashamed for making it hard for me. I will ensure that.